Unpacking Gracefully

How do you unpack gracefully?  How do you live on one continent and have your heart and mind in another?  How do you tell your biological children that you are once again not going on a month long trip to pick up their sisters?  At this point I don't know.  At this point I ache.  I can only ache so much because I must keep the family going.

We are trapped.  Trapped by the knowledge that we were called to something way bigger than us.  Trapped by the fact that we have no control over any of this.  Trapped by the fact that I know God is bigger than my miserable feelings that are trapped inside my body.  Trapped by a love I don't yet really understand.

We were supposed to leave this next Sunday.  We received a call from our agency stating that there could be an extended delay in the DRC if we go and take custody of our children.  The short is;  they asked us not to go yet and to wait another 6 to 10 weeks to complete this process.  They tell us that the time in country will be significantly shorter.  They tell us that we won't feel like we are in prison while we are finishing the process in the DRC.  They are telling us a lot of things, and yet it is hard to really listen.

We want to go so bad.  We want to hold our girls so much.  We want to bring home daughters and sisters.    So why can't we?

As I write this, I am reminded by how many people the two Maries have touched.  I know that God has a plan in this whole scenario.  I know that they are our girls that God has blessed us with.  I fully believe this. I have to believe this.

Soon, Maries, soon we will be there to get you.  

Two weeks and counting down!

We leave for the DRC 2 weeks from today!!  Almost surreal at this point (especially given our delays up to now) but we are getting ready to meet our sweet girls.  We spent this past weekend planning and buying every light and preserved food we can think to take with us.  Traveling and staying in one of the world's poorest countries is amazingly expensive. Eating out costs on average $20 to $40 PER PERSON and requires hiring a driver which is also costly. We are thankfully staying in a guesthouse that has a small kitchenette.  So, we are taking about as much tuna, pasta, oatmeal, dried fruit and peanut butter as we can.  Kinshasha here we come!

We heard from our agency today that our paperwork looks in order and that we should hopefully be able to meet our girls on June 6th.  The Maries will hopefully be in Kinshasha a week before we arrive to complete their medical exams and have their passports processed.  We are praying that this transition will not be too difficult for them and that their foster mother will be able to stay with them until we arrive. I cannot begin to imagine this transition from the perspective of a 3 year-old child. Please pray for their hearts.  Please pray for the millions of details that need to come together in the next 2 weeks.

This most recent travel delay has been financially challenging as we are unable to use my dad's donated Delta airmiles to purchase our tickets.  Darn the London Olympics and black out dates!  We purchased tickets on South African Airways a few weeks ago and have been struggling with mounting unexpected expenses.  We never imagined that being in the DRC for a month or more (in fairly modest accomodations) would cost more than a luxury trip to Europe with our own private masseurs and fine wines!  We have literally felt like we are hemorrhaging cash lately!  So, imagine our surprise today when I found out that a long overdue bonus was finally being paid.  It will really help with these current expenses and was not at all expected!   I am not sure why I am so surprised...God has been in this insane process all along and has shown us his dramatic grace, mercy and provision just when we thought we didn't have enough stamina, enough money or enough hope to continue on.

During this most recent bouts of ups and downs, I was trying to describe to a dear friend how I felt. She said "sort of like the disciples when Jesus was sleeping in the boat during the storm."  And the whole time, the son of God, the creator of the universe, had the whole situation under control.  Under control, despite my fears, despite the challenges, despite the situation on paper. He loves two little girls an entire world away more than I can ever imagine. He put the promise of their lives in our hearts which makes absolutely no sense.  I wish we could say we were the kind of people who are always selfless and kind but we're not!  When people tell me what a good thing we are doing, I want to scream.  Only an unimaginable God could take me, selfish and worried and consumed by such worldly things, and bring me here.

-Val (Darren's guest blogger)

Adoption decree update

So this is Valerie blogging today on the Two Maries - it will much later in the day before Darren realizes his blog has been hi-jacked!   And it is 4 am and I am just coming off a string of working nights. So, please excuse my poor grammar and exaggerated sense of my own humor (I think everything is funny at 4 am) while I attempt to update all of our loyal followers (all 4 of you out there) on the latest update about our adventure to bring our sweet girls home.

After worrying myself sick this past weekend (Mother's Day), I found out today from our agency that our adoption decree has been amended. Hallelujah!  Never mind that it has taken 3 months, we are praising God that it has finally been fixed. God willing, we are scheduled to leave the states on June 5th for Africa. I am sure glad I didn't fully unpack after our last travel date fell through....

It has been hard living in limbo adoption land for the past 2 1/2 years. More difficult than I ever imagined. We live in a small community so everyone knows about our adoption drama. Several times I have wished that no one knew what we were going through, that we could be anonymous and somehow protected from having to share this with everyone. We are so raw and exposed.  After this most recent travel date fell through, everyone at the hospital, church and the kids' school asked why we hadn't left yet and it was so painful. But in the midst of the tears and the worry, God showed up miraculously in our lives through our unsuspecting co-workers, friends and casual community contacts. If we had not been so public about sharing our journey (and the truth is with a mouth like mine and daughters who talk just as much, we didn't have a chance on earth of keeping this semi-private), we would never have been able to experience such tremendous love and support. I would never have imagined that the Maries' story and our quest to bring them into our family would inspire a 12 year-old girl to cook, clean and babysit her way to raising $4000 towards our adoption costs. I would never have imagined that complete strangers would come up to me in the grocery store, ask about our Congolese daughters and tell me that they are praying for our girls. I would never have imagined that God would use this process to crack me open, pour me out and open more space for his love and grace.

So, as grateful as I am for all the unexpected graces of this process, I am darn ready to bring our girls home. Suddenly, 3 weeks doesn't seem like an eternity and I am able to picture the faces of our precious daughters in my mind. On our own, none of this seems possible. On paper, adopting 2 kids when the rest of our life looks semi-stable seems like a sentimental decision at best and a financial disaster at worst. And on the hopeless days, I have wondered if we had even heard God's voice because this journey has been nothing short of a continual struggle.  But today I continue to believe that God has called our family to exactly this. To enter into the struggle of the orphan, to die to ourselves a little bit more each day, to let go of the false promise of financial security and long-term planning, to fully trust him with every detail of this insane, improbable and very bumpy ride.

So thank-you dear family and friends for walking along side us on this long road, for crying with us and holding us up in prayer when we didn't even know what to pray. Thank-you God for the cleaning lady at the hospital who tells me she is praying that our whole family can be together soon. Thanks also for my two amazing older daughters whose faith never wavers.  Thank-you for their evening prayers for their little sister then their little brother then for their little sisters over the past 2 1/2 years.

All is Grace.

Val

Just a quick update and a very gracious thank you.  We are continuing to wait for our latest departure in June.  Things seem to be progressing well regarding our paperwork.  Of course, all with all things in a foreign country, every update has its delays.  So, as we continue to prepare for our journey, we also continue to wait for the paperwork to be fixed.  The plane tickets are bought and we are now mentally preparing to leave this country and our girls behind.  In the meantime, we thought that we would chronicle some of the gifts that we have received from our friends and supporters.

Kate and Abby helped open the gifts and with each and every opened gift they became more and more excited.  We took some pictures and we wanted to share them with our friends and family.  Thank you so much for the gifts and all of the support over the past couple of years, especially these last couple of months.

Trust and imagination

So we have our date of departure again.  At least we hope we do.  Hard to trust this one after all of the disappointments we have gone through.  I must admit there are times when it feels like we have placed ourselves in the hamster ball just to spin around and never actually be able to touch the ground.  You know that hamster ball.  We all want to get in one sometime, but we don't want to stay there.  We want to move forward and be protected, but we want to experience life also.

What happens when life forces you back into the hamster ball?  Do you roll with it or do you squeeze out of the hole and put your feet on the ground.  I can tell you that right now the hamster ball sounds appealing.  I could protect myself and not feel any pain, frustration, etc....  Placing myself in the hamster ball, while my wife and children are crying out from the pain waiting would be awesome, but I know this is temporary.  Putting myself in the hamster ball and not letting my friends reach out to me is pretty appealing right now.  I can take care of this.  I can fix this.  Blog over......

Reality has now set in.  I must experience all of this.  I must feel the pain of not being able to attain something on my own.  What we are going through on this end is nothing compared to the two Maries.  If I feel this bad about waiting one more month, imagine how they feel knowing that they have a family that has given them away for adoption.  Is our pain real?  Yes, but I honestly don't know how I can begin to think this delay is really a big deal when I look at their life.

I know where my food is coming from.  I know that for the most part I am safe.  I know that I am loved.  

Perhaps the hardest part about this delay, is that we have to continue to trust that everything will be okay.  I am guessing that is the same for my two little girls in the DRC.  Right now I imagine that they trust their foster mom.  I hope that soon they will learn to trust us.  I look forward to that day.

I also look forward to seeing their face when they gaze upon the whiteness of us.  I imagine how many hours they will touch Valerie's blonde hair.  I imagine holding them and telling them in a foreign language that everything is okay.  I imagine taking very long flights home and navigating TSA and immigrations.  I imagine the meeting between them and our biological daughters.  I imagine a lot.  Perhaps that is the problem with our delay, I just can't wait.

I only imagine how this is so with God.  He is constantly waiting on us.  He is constantly asking us to trust Him.  Why can't you get this one, He asks?  Trust and imagination seem to go hand in hand with this adoption.

Sorry, if this is a ramble.  This process has been a delightful challenge.  I would not wish it on anyone, except to say that it has really challenged us to trust in God and rely on others as we never had before.  This is good.  No, this is great.  I want this next month to go fast, but I do not want to miss out on putting each day first.

We will be with you soon Marie.  I mean Maries.